The Matrix: Elrond vs Anderson
by Wetfish
Summary: This is a Matrix spoof. It contains several traces of insanity. It is a script involving the matrix characters and it basically how I think the film should have been. P.S: Completely finished.
1. THE RED ONE NEO!

I would just like to say that this is mainly a matrix spoof and it involves swearing, that gets quite bad in parts, but apart from that and spread out violence it's fine. I've written it as a play script but as you will discover and many other film characters appear along the way. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or quotes that are used in this script. If I did, I would be rich, but as I don't, I'm not. The only thing I own here is my own words and it takes a long time to put things like this together, so please don't steal. If you do however, and I find out…grins manically…I have friends that have friends…

Dedication: To Kat, who introduced me to The Matrix and fan fiction. You know who you are.

P.S: If you think you recognise the stranger, please don't go posting it around the site. I don't want to get in trouble with anyone! Thanks!

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Setting: The room Morpheus and Neo meet in. I do not own this setting either.

Morpheus: You have a choice, Neo. (Holds out hand with blue pill in) Either take the blue pill or..(holds out other hand with red pill in) take the red pill.

(Random stranger with mutated face bursts through door)

Stranger: Take the red one, Neo!

Morpheus: (glares at Stranger) Who are you?

Stranger: Who am I? Who am I?

Morpheus: Yes, parrot boy. Who are you?

Stranger: I'm...(pauses for a minute, then looks sad) not sure. I used to be famous, I think...all this surgery's making me brain dead... (turns to Neo and jumps up and down frantically) THE RED ONE, NEO! THE RED ONE!

Neo: (stands up and drags chair away from stranger)

Stranger: Nooooooo! You can trust me!

Neo: (raises an eyebrow)

Morpheus: That's it. SECURITY!

Trinity: Morpheus, we don't have security, you threw them out the window, remember?

Morpheus: God dammit! (Stands up)

Stranger: THE RED ONE NEO! THE RED ONE!

Morpheus: Okay, you've made your point. (picks stranger up and throws him of the window)

Stranger: FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! **thud! boing!**

Neo: (rushes to window and looks down to see the stranger bounce back up) shouts Oh my God, are you okay!

Stranger: (standing up) Don't worry kiddo! This plastic surgery has made me more bouncy than a tennis ball!

Neo: (stares)

Stranger: Don't forget Neo, The red one! (Winks and skips off humming)

Neo: (looks up) what was that all about?

Author: (Voice Over) Don't ask me. I only write the thing.

Neo: Well duh.

Author: (VO) Don't get smart wise guy. Here, I am God.

Neo: Impossible!

Author: (VO) Not impossible, Mr. Anderson. Inevitable.

Agent Smith: (appears out of thin air) That's what I say! (Shakes fist at author)

Author: (VO) I am God! (thunder bolt strikes Smith and he's knocked out)

Morpheus: How come we didn't think of that? (Scratches head)

Neo: Weren't we talking about pills?

Morpheus: (looks shocked and steps back) You mean drugs!

Neo: (scowls) Do not!

Morpheus: Do too!

Neo: Do not!

Morpheus: Do too!

(twenty minutes later)

Neo: Do too!

Morpheus: Do not! (Realises his mistake) Aw man...

Neo: (gloats) Oh yeah, I rock...Oh yeah, I rock!

Author: (VO) Can we get on with it please?

Morpheus: (points at author) you let him win!

Author: (VO) Uh...point?

Morpheus: Erm, er, um, ee...(notices Agent Smith escaping) HEY!

Agent Smith: What?

Morpheus: Erm, er, um...

Agent Smith: (shakes head and runs off)

Trinity: (looks up at author) And what've I been doing for twenty minutes?

Author: (VO) Dunno. (shrugs, but of course no one can see because it's a voice over) But we're twenty minutes late already! Ah well, we'll cut back on Smith's scenes.

Agent Smith: (runs back in) NOOOOOOO! (runs back out before he can get knocked out again)

Morpheus: So, anyway, like the mad guy earlier said Neo, take the red pill.

Neo: (protests) You said I have a choice!

Morpheus: But you've already made that choice. You're here to find out why you made it.

The Oracle: (storms in) THAT'S MY LINE!

Trinity: Gee, for someone that nice she sure can bellow.

Morpheus: No it's not!

The Oracle: (hands Morpheus Reloaded script) Read it and weep, dumbass!

Morpheus: (reads) Oooooooh!

The Oracle: Exactly!

Morpheus: Not oooooooh! For you. Trinity's gonna die!

Trinity: (looks annoyed) Ah great...

The Oracle: Page after dumbo.

Morpheus: (turns page) Oh. Never mind. Neo saves you.

Neo: Really?

Trinity: Really?

Morpheus: really really!

Shrek: (bursts in and slaps Morpheus' cheek) You betch!

Morpheus: (rubs cheek) Wow, Shrek's Scottish...

Shrek: Don't go stealin' me lines, y'hear?

Morpheus: (pulls out gun) Run if you want to live.

Shrek: You don' scare me! (Belches)

Morpheus: (faints)

Shrek: Hah! (Runs off before anyone can shoot him followed by the Oracle and her script)

Neo: Doesn't this chapter have a point?

Trinity: Oh, yeah. Sorry, which pill did you want?

Neo: Will someone tell me what the shazbut these pills do?

Trinity: ooh, intro! (Puts on serious voice) You take the blue pill; you wake up next morning and believe whatever you want to believe. Take the red pill, you stay here, and I show how deep the rabbit hole really goes.

Morpheus: (coughs and splutters) That's my line! (Slaps Trinity)

Trinity: (slaps back) SLAP FIGHT!

(Morpheus and Trinity have a slap fight. Unsurprisingly, Trinity wins)

Morpheus: HEY! What's that supposed to mean?

Author: (VO) That you can't slap fight for toffee.

Trinity: Or lines.

Author: (VO) Or lines.

Morpheus: Grrr...mutters Dirty rotten stinkin'...

Author: (grabs thunderbolt) You're asking for it. Give me one good reason...

Morpheus: Oik! I'm in the sequels!

Author: (checks script) No fair! (pauses) Well, that can be changed...

Morpheus: Noooo!

Neo: Erm, isn't this about me?

Morpheus: Just take the pill for god's sake!

Trinity: You don't believe in God!

Morpheus: Which is why it's okay to blaspheme.

Trinity: Oh.

Neo: Pass me that red pill...

Morpheus: Hey, hold up. Deep thought coming on. Gotta say something deep.

Neo: sighs impatiently Go on then.

Morpheus: Remember, all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more.

Trinity: Wow, that really was deep...

Morpheus: (blushes) Heh...thanks..

Neo: finally! (takes red pill)

Stranger: (shouts from some over the hills) YOU DID THE RIGHT THING, MR. ANDERSON!

Neo: Who was that guy anyway?

Author: (VO) Beats me. Just felt like adding a freaky weirdo to the scene.

Trinity: Reminds me of someone...I remember just before I was unplugged...

Morpheus: No time. Gotta get the plot moving along! (Grabs Trinity and runs out of scene)

Neo: (looks up) What now?

Author: (VO) (flicks through script) It says that there's a scene with the Power Plant and you, but I can't afford all the spiffeh equipment and cameras for that kind of shot.

Neo: Meaning?

Author: (VO) Dunno.

Morpheus: (runs back in, still dragging Trinity) Skip to The Nebuchadnezzar scene when I introduce Neo to the crew?

Author: (VO) (confused) Why didn't I think of that?

Trinity: Because your mind doesn't operate like his.

Author: Thankfully.

Trinity: Yours is even worse.

Author: (VO) RIGHT, THAT'S IT!

Trinity: You can't get out of the matrix. You're a plugged-in human.

Author: (VO) But I can if I find a way to clone myself and find someone that's been unplugged when they're in the matrix and use their body.

Agent Smith: (appears again) STOP READING MY PARTS!

Trinity: That's not what you say Smith. That's the plot for Reloaded.

Agent Smith: Oh... (runs away)

Author: (VO) I think now is a good time to close the chapter.

Neo: I agree.

Trinity: Me too.

Morpheus: I would, but I like to argue! (Knocked out by thunderbolt)

©Copyright to Hannah/Fishorz/Wetfish (Me).

All matrix related material belongs to the Wachowski Brothers Larry and Andy.

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I hope you liked it. Feedback welcome.


	2. What's My Line?

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or quotes that are used in this script. If I did, I would be rich, but as I don't, I'm not. The only thing I own here is my own words and it takes a long time to put things like this together, so please don't steal. If you do however, and I find out...(grins manically)...I have friends that have friends...

Here it comes...

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Setting: The Nebuchadnezzar

Morpheus: I'd like to introduce you to the crew!

Crew: Hi Neo!

Neo: Hi Crew!

Morpheus: This is Tank. (Points at Tank)

Tank: Hi.

Neo: Don't you die?

Tank: They had trouble recasting me, so they killed me off screen, and I was replaced!

Neo: Cool.

Tank: (nods) You get used to it.

Morpheus: This is Dozer. (Points at Dozer)

Dozer: Hi. I die in this movie.

Neo: Really?

Dozer: Uh huh. Just ask Cypher. (Points to Cypher)

Cypher: Hi! I'm due to betray you in...(checks watch)

Morpheus: (reading script) I don't think they gave me this page...

Cypher: About six hours.

Morpheus: And of course, there's Trinity and myself.

Trinity: Hi.

Neo: Hi.

Morpheus: No time like the present- let's get him plugged in!

Neo: Into what?

Morpheus: The Matrix. Duh!

Neo: What's the matrix duh? Is it like the matrix?

Morpheus: All right smartass. Quit with the wisecracks.

Neo: Sorry. Is it like been plugged into a socket?

Morpheus: Are you comparing me to a lamp?

Trinity: (mutters) A lava lamp, fun to look at, but not too bright.

Morpheus: (glares at Trinity) I heard that...

Trinity: (yawns) so what?

Morpheus: If I had a few more brain cells...

(Mimes punching Trinity)

Trinity: (raises an eyebrow)

Morpheus: (looks up) I think this kinda shows me in a bad light.

Author: (VO) (sarcastically) which is oh _so _hard to do.

Morpheus: I'll cry!

Author: Line above that, bonehead.

Morpheus: (sarcastically) which is oh so hard to do.

Author: (VO) Not my line, stupid! After that!

Morpheus: Oh! This line: Change the script then.

Author: (VO) How about this- NO!

Morpheus: I'll cry!

Author: (VO) Shall we cut to the chase? (Presses fast forward button)

(Lands on Trinity and Neo's sex scene in Reloaded)

Trinity: (VO) (shocked) Oh my Lord!

Neo: (VO) (smirks)

Cypher: (VO) (sulks)

Morpheus: (VO) Uh, you're dead, dude.

Cypher: (VO) (looks at body) Holy shit, so I am! (Floats up to Heaven)

(Cut to gates of Heaven)

Saint Peter: Can't let you in.

Cypher: Why not?

St. Peter: Well, it's like this...(draws diagram on random chalkboard) (1 hour minutes later) And so your aura's reading 100 pure evil! Sooo.... (pulls lever) See you in Hell! (Pauses) ...or not.

Cypher: (falling) SCREW YOU BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD! Thud

(Back to sex scene)

Author: (VO) Maybe this is a little bit too forward...

Neo: (VO) But I'm watching it!

Trinity: (VO) Pervert.

Author: (VO) Enough of that language, Trinity.

Trinity: (VO) Why? You wrote it into the script!

Author: (VO) Heh...(hits rewind button)

(At the Oracle's home. With the Spoon Kid.)

Spoon Kid: My name is Pana Kabbana.

Neo: Wow, that's a mouthful.

Spoon Kid: But there is no name.

Neo: (stares)

Spoon Kid: What? It's in the script!

Neo: No one actually read the script. It's a load of absolute shi-

Author: (VO) Eh Hem...

Neo: Um, erm, absolut-shi delightful genius!

Spoon Kid: And he thinks I'm weird just because I play with spoons...

Neo: But there is no spoon.

Spoon Kid: (bitch slaps Neo) that's my line!

Neo: Then what's mine? (Checks script)

Spoon Kid: You just said no one reads the script!

Neo: They don't. We write our lines on our hands. Look! (Shows Spoon Kid hand covered in scribble)

Author: (VO) Just get on with it, Pana Banana.

Spoon Kid: The name's Pana Kabbana you twa-

Author: (growls threateningly)

Spoon Kid: Oif! (Hides behind spoon)

Neo: But there is no spoon.

Spoon Kid: Well duh.

Neo: No, really. We spent waaaaaaaaaay too much on CGI. That's a fork.

Spoon Kid: Fine then. There is no fork.

Neo: (shakes head) Nah, it's lost it's ring.

Spoon Kid: There is no ring.

Neo: (stares)

Spoon Kid: Want a photo?

Neo: Why?

Spoon Kid: It'll last longer.

Neo: (glowers)

Author: (VO) (prods Spoon Kid) Hey- I make the lame jokes around here.

Spoon Kid: What lame jokes?

Author: (VO) THESE LAME JOKES!

(Six hours later)

Author: (VO) Satisfied?

Neo: (rubs eyes) Man, those jokes really were lame...

Spoon Kid: (snore)

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Still up for it?


	3. Meet The Agents

Chapter Three: Meet The Agents

I would just like to say that this is mainly a matrix spoof and it involves swearing, that gets quite bad in parts, sexual reference and spread out violence. I've written it as a play script and you will discover many other well-known characters pop in along the way. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or quotes that are used in this script. If I did, I would be rich, but as I don't, I'm not. The only thing I own here is my own words and it takes a long time to put things like this together, so please don't steal. If you do however, and I find out...(grins manically)...I have friends that have friends...

Dedications: To all those at NbN who've read the other two chapters and have given me encouragement. I will try and feature some of you in future chapters!

P.S: # the equivalent to a star that you see used for blocking out, erm, _unpleasant _words.

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(Setting: BONUS FOOTAGE! Never Before Seen On DVD or video!

Morpheus is showing Neo a video of Agent Smith in action)

Neo: (Watches as Smith kicks the crap out of some unplugged dude) Holy cow man, that guy sure can kick!

Morpheus: Well, you don't say...

Neo: How come he's not on our team?

Morpheus: Could it be because THAT'S THE WHOLE BLOODY POINT OF THE BLOODY FILM, PREHAPS, NEO?!

Neo: (shrugs) I suppose. You should really try a breath mint you know, Morph.

Trinity: (wanders in) Wasn't Morph the funny read Plastocene model off that naff English kid's art show?

Neo: I dunno, possibly.

Morpheus: He was indeed. AND I DO NOT LOOK LIKE MORPH!

Neo: Sure you do.

Morpheus: In what way?

Neo: You're both bald, wear puzzled expressions on your faces and are hard to understand in the English language.

Trinity: Hey, he has a very good point.

Morpheus: GRRRRRRRRRRRR...

Neo: Dude, take a breath mint! (Offers Morpheus tictac)

Morpheus: (takes tictac) Hey, hang on a second, IT'S RED!

Neo: Uh huh. Cherry flavour.

Morpheus: Oooooh, cherry!

Trinity: Hey, can I have a tictac?

Neo: Sure, let's all have one! (Hands out tictacs)

Agent Smith on T.V: Can I have one?

Neo: Hey, has anyone ever told you that you look like Elrond out of Lord Of the Rings?

Agent Smith on T.V: Yes, several million times.

Neo: Oh, cool! (Hands tictac to Smith but is stopped by Morpheus)

Morpheus: IT'S RED, YOU BLOODY MORON!

Neo: Tee hee, Morpheus said bloody; he's English!

Trinity: (giggles)

Agent Smith on T.V: (giggles girlishly)

Trinity: You're more of a girl than I'll ever be.

Agent Smith: Hang on, you're Trinity?

Trinity: The one and only. Why?

Agent Smith on T.V: Jesus!

Trinity: What?

Agent Smith on T.V: I expected you to be a guy.

Trinity: Most guys do.

Neo: (bitch slaps Smith) THAT'S MY LINE, BUSTER!

Agent Smith on T.V: My name's not Buster. It's Smith.

Neo: I know.

Agent Smith on T.V: Then why did you call me Buster?

(Ozzy Osbourne walks past Agent Smith dressed as an Agent)

Neo: Oh My God, it's AGENT OZZY!

Everyone on set except Smith and Ozzy: (GASP)

Agent Smith on T.V: So what?

Agent Ozzy: Yeah, so ####ing what?

Neo: (looks up) How come you've blanked that out?

Author: (VO) My mum has to read these, you know.

Neo: Oh.

Agent Ozzy: So ####ing what, Anderson?

Neo: That's Mr. Anderson, to you, bub.

Agent Ozzy: Me name's not Bub, it's ####ing Ozzy.

Neo: Hi ####ing Ozzy!

Agent Ozzy: Don't get ####ing cute wise arse.

Neo: I'm not, ####ing Ozzy.

Agent Ozzy: Shurrup or I'll bite your ####ing 'ead off.

Neo: But I'm not a bat.

Agent Ozzy: Could have fooled me...

Neo: What's that meant to mean?

Agent Ozzy: Oh ####, that last sentence of mine didn't have a ####ing

swear word in it!

Neo: (gasps)

(A little black box appears on the television screen beneath the image of Ozzy and Smith reading: **ALERT! YOU ARE NOW ON A QUEST TO FIND AGENT OZZY'S MISSING SWEAR! PLEASE PRESS THE RED BUTTON ON YOUR REMOTE TO ACCEPT**)

Neo: How do you reject?

Morpheus: Can't- the cancel button got chewed off this remote during a re-run of Dr. Who by a certain someone...(glares at Trinity)

Trinity: What? I was going to bite my nails but the remote was closer- what was a girl meant to do?

Neo: (presses red button)

(Box on screen changes to read: **CONGRATULATIONS ON EXCEPTING THIS QUEST. YOU WILL BE HANSOMELY REWARDED IF YOU SUCCEED. PLEASE FIND ENCLOSED IN THIS DVD CASE YOUR COMPLIMENTARY PACK CONTAINING: "HOW TO BE A GOOD AGENT" HANDBOOK, RIMLESS SUNGLASSES, BLACK DESIGNER SUIT, SHINEY SHOES, MAP OF NEW YORK CITY AND MUFFIN BASKET**.)

Morpheus: (eats complimentary muffin) Mmm, complimentary...........

Agent Ozzy: Ah ####ing great, now the ####ing boss has got you ####ing lot on me ####ing case!

Neo: Who is your boss?

Agent Ozzy: ####ing Agent Cliff.

Neo: No, not _the _Agent Cliff?

(Sir Cliff Richard walks past Ozzy and Smith dressed as an agent)

Agent Cliff: That's **Sir **####ing Agent Cliff to you, Ozzy. Everyone else can call me: Sir Agent Cliff.

Neo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Ten minutes later)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Ten minutes later)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Ten Minutes later)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Trinity: Wow, half an hour without a breath!

Neo: (nods) You should see whistle.

Trinity: Erm, no thanks- not right now.

Sir Agent Cliff: So, let's sing a song!

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sir Agent Cliff: Oh all right then- you youngsters are absolutely no fun. You better be going and getting on with this quest.

Morpheus, Trinity and Neo: Yes, we better. (Run out of mission briefing room and into the main ship's crewing area)

Sir Agent Cliff: (To Ozzy and Smith) Shall we sing a song then chaps?

Agent Ozzy and Agent Smith:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


	4. What's In A Name?

Chapter 4: What's In A Name

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or quotes that are used in this script. If I did, I would be rich, but as I don't, I'm not. The only thing I own here is my own words and it takes a long time to put things like this together, so please don't steal. If you do however, and I find out...(grins manically)...I have friends that have friends...

Jesus, I'm on the fourth one already!

Well, thanks for all the encourigment guys!

Dedications: Everyone at NbN of course. Kim and Kat feature in this chapter. More to come- do not worry.

Have fun.

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Setting: In the Matrix. A busy city street, and the characters are seated outside a French café called "_Les Idiots"._

Morpheus: (eating croissant) So, how should we begin to search for this swear?

Agent Ozzy: His name's Blanky. (sniffs) I miss you Blanky!

Neo: (puts on agent outfit found in DVD case) Hey guys, look! (everyone looks at Neo) I'm a Smith Clone! A smif-et!

Agent Smith: Not funny.

(a Smith clone appears from nowhere)

Agent Smith Clone number #334554: We are actually known as Smith-ees.

Neo: (takes off outfit and puts it pack in the DVD case) Freaks.

Agent Smith Clone number #334554: Affirmative.

Agent Smith: Hang on a second...THAT MEANS POSITIVELY YOU NUMBSKULL!

Agent Smith Clone number #334554: Oif! (Runs off)

Author: (VO) I have been asked to introduce two new characters into this chapter, you know.

Neo: (excited) OOOH, WHO ARE THEY? (bounds up and down)

Author: (VO) Oh, here they are now, in fact!

(Kat and Kim run past and steal Agent Ozzy's and Neo's sunglasses and run off with them)

Neo: Aw man, does this have to happen to me in every fanfic?

Author: (VO) Inevitably.

Agent Smith: THAT'S MY LINE, MR. ANDERSON!

Neo: THAT'S MY NAME! (re-writes script)

Author: (VO) THAT'S MY JOB! (snatches script)

Agent Ozzy: #### this- SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARON!

Neo: (to Trinity) Trin, who the hell is he on about- is SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARON! Some kind of Agent codename for a man-eating gopher?

Trinity: Sharon is his wife, Neo.

Neo: Oh.

Agent Ozzy: (runs in circles for several minutes before running in the direction that Kat and Kim went in about 10 minutes previous)

Trinity: Hey Neo, aren't you worried about your shades- I wouldn't trust Kat with them!

Neo: Nah, the props department will pay for some more.

(cut to half screens: One half at the French café and the other in a deserted caravan with a peeling sticker that faintly reads: "PROPS DEPARTMENT CLOSED DUE TO LACK OF FUNDING)

Neo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(runs in circles for several minutes before running in the direction that Agent Ozzy, Kat and Kim went in)

(the screen splits back to the café scene)

Trinity: What was with the running in circles business anyway?

Pana Kabbana: But there are no circles.

Author: (VO) Hey, are you still here?

Pana Kabbana: (nods)

Author: (VO) Don't you have any friends your own age?

Pana Kabbana: No. It is Sunday anyway. Everyone my age is at Church.

Morpheus: I don't see the point in Church.

Trinity: You've told us before, Morph.

Morpheus: I don't like been called that!

Trinity: (sniggers)

Author: (VO) Well, we cannot carry on calling you Pana Banana.

Pana Kabbana: It's Pana Kabbana.

Author: (VO) Whatever. We're going to give you a PROPER name.

Trinity: Goody, can I pick?

Author: (VO) Sure, but nothing too vulgar- there are kids watching this! HI KIDS! (waves)

Trinity: This film is a 15.

Author: (VO) Oh.

Trinity: (thinks) Okay, from now on, Pana Kabbana, a.k.a. Spoon Kid, will be known as.....(drum roll).....SID!

Pana Kabbana/Sid: Oh yay.

Morpheus: (claps)

Agent Smith: I prefer Smith Junior.

Sid: Hey, Smith, what's your first name.

Agent Smith: Gregory.

Sid: (stifles laughter)

Trinity: (tries to stifle laughter and fails miserably)

Morpheus: So what? Morpheus is my hacker alias. I was called Bob!

Agent Smith: (chortles)

Sid: (cackles)

Trinity: And I was Polly!

Sid: Oh sure you were!

Trinity: No, really.

Morpheus: I wonder what the author's first name is.

Author: (VO) My first name is.........HANNAH!

Agent Smith: As in the girl's name?

Author: (VO) Yesh, of course!

Agent Smith and Morpheus: Jesus!

Author: (VO) What?

Agent Smith and Morpheus: Nothing, it's just that, we thought you were a guy.

Author: (VO) Most guys do.

(Neo runs back in and bitch slaps Agent Smith and Morpheus)

Neo: THOSE ARE MY LINES!

Trinity: AND I'D BITCH SLAP THE AUTHOR, BUT I CAN'T REACH!

(Neo runs back after Kat)

Author: (VO) Neh neh neh neh nah!

Trinity: Grrrr....

(Kat and Kim run past again. Kat is waving Neo's sunglasses in the air and Kim is waving Agent Ozzy's in the air)

Kat and Kim: FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(they run off and are followed about twenty minutes later by Neo and Agent Ozzy)

(Blanky the swear runs after Agent Ozzy and Neo)

Blanky the swear: ... ... ... ... ... ...

Morpheus: QUICK, AFTER THE SWEAR!

Blanky the swear: !!!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs faster)

(Trinity, Morpheus, Sid and Agent Smith run after Blanky the swear)

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There, Kim, Kat. You got to be in it. Happy?


	5. Finding Blanky

Chapter 5- Finding Blanky

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or quotes that are used in this script. If I did, I would be rich, but as I don't, I'm not. The only thing I own here is my own words and it takes a long time to put things like this together, so please don't steal. If you do however, and I find out...(grins manically)...I have friends that have friends...

Dedications: To all my friends at Notre Dame that have spent hours listening to me ramble on about the matrix and just about everyone who knows the real me- it's not an easy thing to know.

Kat, they are here.

---------------------------------------------

Setting: The New York Subway System, Georgia Street.

Trinity: (running) C'mon guys, we're gaining on it!

Morpheus: (ten meters behind) Puff....puff...

Agent Smith: (ten meters behind Morpheus) Gasp....pant....

Sid: (floating in midair) There is no swear.

Trinity: Oh sure there isn't Sid. That's why we're chasing it, right?

Sid: Huh?

Morpheus: (catches up) Pant...puff...gasp....

Trinity: C'mon Smith! I don't want to shoot you! Well, actually, I do, but that's not the point.

Agent Smith: (pants) Okay....I'm.....here...

Sid: Hallelujah!

Trinity: Isn't that a Christian word?

Sid: (panics) I don't know...oif...oif...eek!

Trinity: Why are you panicking?

Sid: I'm a Buddhist!

(The Twins appear out of thin air)

Twin 1: We are The Twins.

Twin 2: Indeed we are.

Twin 1: We are here to assassinate you.

Twin 2: Indeed we are.

Trinity: Listen guys, we're a little busy here.

Twin 1: Indeed you are.

Twin 2: Yes, indeed.

Trinity: Okay, only one thing to do. (shouts) LOOK- IT'S PESEPHONE! AND SHE'S NAKED!

(The Twins look up and Trinity, Morpheus, Sid and Agent Smith run away)

Twin 1: She is not there.

Twin 2: I am vexed.

Twin 1: I am also vexed.

Twin 2: We are vexed.

Twin 1: Indeed we are.

Twin 2: We must follow them.

Twin 1: Indeed we must.

(The Twins turn into their ghost-y forms and fly after Trinity, Morpheus, Sid and Agent Smith)

MEANWHILE...

Setting: Chester Zoo, England.

Neo: How the heck did we get here?

Agent Ozzy: It ####ing beats me.

Neo: Do you have to use such vulgar language Ozzy?

Agent Ozzy: No, but it makes good viewing for the average American Joe.

Average American Joe: Uh....####?

Neo: Well, it still doesn't answer my question. Why are we here?

Agent Ozzy: Didn't your mother tell you the facts of life?

Neo: I never knew my mother. I was adopted.

Everyone: Awwwwwwwwww....

Neo: Shut up and tell me why we're at Chester Zoo!

(Kat and Kim run past, still waving Neo's and Agent Ozzy's sunglasses in the air and are followed by an array of animals)

Kat and Kim: FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Neo: Never mind, I think I can guess.

Author: (VO) You're actually here to find Blanky the swear. He was last seen by the Polar Bear exhibit.

Neo: But my shades....

Author: (VO) No buts- go find Blanky.

Agent Ozzy: Tee hee, she said butts!

(Neo runs off to the Polar Bear exhibit whilst Ozzy chases after Kat and Kim)

MEANWHILE....

Setting: Heathrow Airport, England

Trinity: That flight from New York sure was short.

Sid: Could that be because you phoned Tank and asked him to speed things up a little?

Trinity: (shrugs) I guess so.

Agent Smith: Never mind that now, to Chester Zoo!

(Trinity's cell rings)

Trinity: Hello? Oh, hi Zee! Yeah, I'm good, you? Fantastic! Oh? Really? He is? Hang on, I'll put Morpheus on.

Morpheus: Hello Zee. Yes. No. Really? Oh! Put Link on. (pause whilst phone at other end changes user) Hi Link.Yeah, I'm fine. Yes, I heard. I wanted to ask you if you wanted a job on The Nebuchadnezzar? Yes, his job. Excellent! Uh huh. Uh huh. Don't worry, we've got Carl to get us out. No, of course he's real. She does? Okay, put Zee back on. (angry shouting down phone) Just doing my job! Well it's not my problem. Of course I'll be at the funeral. When is it? WHAT? No way! That's the night that Fox are re-running all episodes of "The Simpsons" back to back! (more angry shouting) Oh alright. Can I bring my portable TV then? What do you mean no? This whomps! (hangs up phone)

Trinity: What did she say?

Morpheus: Tank's funeral on Friday the 13th of October.

Trinity: Okay then. Onwards to Chester!

(The scene fades out and a map of Britain with street and business names appears with footprints walking up the map, occasionally stopping off in shops and cafés. One of the little footprints wanders into a porn shop and the other little footprints all race over and drag it out and continue up the map. "The Koda Song" from "Brother Bear" plays and after a minute or two the map fades and reveals our characters standing outside Chester Zoo.)

Trinity: Well, we made it.

Agent Smith: Yup.

Sid: Yay! A zoo!

Morpheus: Okay, I'm paying. (walks up to ticket booth) Can I have tickets for 3 adults, one child please?

Ticket Girl: Certainly Sir! (hands Morpheus tickets) Hey aren't you that guy off The Matr-

Morpheus: No. (runs inside and is followed by Sid, Trinity and Agent Smith)

Trinity: You are the guy off The Matrix though, Morpheus.

Morpheus: No I'm not. She means Neo.

Trinity: Of course she doesn't. She could never mistake my darling Neo for you. (sighs lovingly and stares into thin air)

Thin Air: Hey, quit staring!

(An obsessed Matrix fan appears out of no where)

Obsessed Matrix Fan Girl: EIIIIIIIIIIIII! LYK, OMG! IT'S THOSE PPL FROM THE MATRIX! LYK OMG OMG OMG! COME ON GIRLS! COME AND SEE WHO I'VE FOUND!

(more matrix fan girls appear and close in on Agent Smith, Sid, Morpheus and Trinity, brandishing autograph books and cameras.)

Trinity: Only one thing to do here.

Agent Smith: What's that?

Trinity: Bullet time!

(Trinity jumps into the air and kicks a fan girl in the face, but in bullet time for added effect.)

Fan girl: ARGH! (falls over)

Agent Smith and Morpheus: Cool! (they too start to kick and punch matrix fan girls in bullet time)

TEN MINUTES LATER

(All the Matrix fan girls are unconscious on the floor and Morpheus, Trinity, Sid and Agent Smith are queuing for ice cream.)

Trinity: Okay, I'll have a strawberry dream cornet,

Morpheus: I'll have a chocolate fugicle!

Agent Smith: Vanilla Pod for me.

Sid: I want a chocolate fudge sundae, with nuts, toffee sauce, caremel sticks, wafers and a flake!

Ice Cream Vendor: Okay, but what's a fudgicle?

Trinity: Morpheus, we're in England now!

Morpheus: Erm, never mind. I'll have a mint choc chip tub instead.

Ice Cream Vendor: Okay, (serves ice cream) That'll be £20 for the Sundae, £5 for the Strawberry cornet, £8 for the choc chip tub and £3 for the vanilla pod.

Sid: £20! This better be the best ice cream I've ever had...(eats spoonful) (shrugs) Ah, it'll pass. (pays)

Trinity: Well, I heard prices at zoos were expensive but...oh well. (pays)

Morpheus: I love my ice cream, no matter what the price. (pays)

Agent Smith: It's bloody ridiculous! (nibbles cornet) Oooh, ridiculousy cheap! (pays)

Ice Cream Vendor: Heh heh heh heh...(evil glint in eyes)

(Trinity, Sid, Morpheus and Agent Smith wander along the path and towards the Polar Bear exhibit where they find The Twins photographing the polar bears)

Twin 1: We love polar bears!

Twin 2: Indeed we do.

Trinity: (licks cornet) Okay, now that's scary.

Twin 1: 'icle fluffy bears...(sees Trinity, Morpheus, Sid and Agent Smith) Erm we mean..

Twin 2: You mean. Don't bring me into this.

Twin 1: I mean big, killing machines, obviously. (turns to twin 2) But we're twins!

Trinity: (raises an eyebrow)

Twin 2: Wrong.

Twin 1: WHAT?

Trinity: Let's get Jerry Springer out!

(The scenery changes. The Twins find themselves sitting in chairs and Morpheus, Trinity, Sid and Agent Smith are backstage on "The Jerry Springer Show".)

Audience: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

(Theme tune plays and audience clap)

Introducer: (VO) Ladies and gentlemen, on Today's Jerry Springer show: "Are we really twins?" Two so-called "Twins" fight for the truth and "HEARTLESS" My boyfriend stole my sister's dead husband's job. But now, I give you, JERRRRRRRRRRRRRY SPRINGER!

Audience: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Jerry Springer comes down from staircase, waving and smiling)

Jerry Springer: Hello everyone, and welcome to the Jerry Springer show!

Auidence: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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That's enough for chapter 5. Definitely TBC.


	6. JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Chapter 6-JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or quotes that are used in this script. If I did, I would be rich, but as I don't, I'm not. The only thing I own here is my own words and it takes a long time to put things like this together, so please don't steal. If you do however, and I find out…(grins manically)…I have friends that have friends…

I hope you wanted another chapter. If not, tough luck- you've got one anyway.

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Setting: The Jerry Springer Show-Live on air!

Jerry Springer: Yes, thank you. Without further ado, let's get straight onto the main show, starting with "Are We Really Twins?". Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Twin 1 and Twin 2!

Audience: (clapping)

Jerry Springer: We've secretly got a DNA test from the pair, and we'll be revealing the results later, but first, Twin 1, what makes you think that you and Twin 2 are twins?

Twin 1: Absolutely nothing, Jerry.

Twin 2 and audience: (gasp)

Jerry Springer: Really? Why not?

Twin 1: Well, he doesn't like Dickens. He likes icky Shakespeare!

Jerry Springer: Not all twins like the same things though.

Twin 1: And running people over isn't as fun with him because he won't let me drive.

Jerry Springer: Well, good enough for me! Twin 2, same question.

Twin 2: My twin has started using single verbs instead of plural. We used to always say "us" and "we" but now it's always "you" or "I" or "me". (sniffs, fighting back tears) We used to go fly fishing together but….(sniff)…He's….(sniff) no fun anymore….(breaks down crying)

Jerry Springer: Why does that always happen on this show? Can't anyone resolve anything without tears nowadays?

Twin 1: Jerry, if we could, you'd be out of a job.

Jerry Springer: Oh, yeah. Here, have a dollar. (hands Twin 1 a dollar note)

Twin 2: Hey, I want a dollar!

Twin 1: Not I want one. We want one. And we have one.

Twin 2: No you have one!

Twin 1: We.

Twin 2: You!

Jerry Springer: (over noise of Twins arguing in background) And now a word from our sponsors, The Black Eyed Peas!

Black Eyed Peas: _People killing, people dying, children hurting you hear them crying. Can we practise what we preach or will we turn the other cheek?_

_Father, father, father help us, send some guidance from above._

_These people got me got me questioning where is the love?_

Jerry Springer: Yes, strong words there. (nods)

The Twins: We have resolved this matter. (each holds up a half of a torn dollar bill and grins)

Jerry Springer: Nooooooo! Not the money! Ah well. I've got loads more of that. (points at suit made out of $100 notes)

Audience: Oooooooooooh!

Jerry Springer: Uh huh! Very flashy. (grins and twirls about)

The Twins: Isn't this about us?

Jerry Springer: Uh, yeah. DNA test results, anyone?

The Twins: YEAH!

(a midget scuttles on screen, hands Jerry the envelope and scuttles off)

Jerry Springer: (opens envelope) My oh my! This is a shocking turn of events!

The Twins: Why?

Jerry Springer: Erm….Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Ernie and Bernie the jellyfish!

Audience: Woooooo. (clap)

Ernie and Bernie: Yeah man!

Jerry Springer: Well, is this amazing or what? It seems that the twins here are………

(everyone waits….drumroll)

(still waiting)

(still waiting)

(still waiting)

(still waiting)

(Yup- still waiting)

(uh huh- you guessed it)

(YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO ASK NOW!)

Jerry Springer: Twin 2 and ME!

Twin 2: (gasp)

Twin 1: Hooray.

Ernie and Bernie: Then what are we doing here man?

Jerry Springer: (shrugs) We do not know.

Twin 2: Indeed we do not.

Jerry Springer: Oh, hold on. We have more twin-age related news.

Twin 2: Indeed we do.

Jerry Springer: Twin 1 is none other than our third twin. Making us triplets.

Twin 2: Indeed it does.

Twin 1: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (runs)

Twin 2: Quick, after him! (turns into spirit-ghost thing)

Jerry Springer: Uh, a little help here?

Twin 2: Oh, sorry. (tosses Jerry "Morphing for dummies" v.2)

Jerry Springer: (reads and changes into a gopher)

Twin 2: Yes, an improvement.

Jerry Springer: Eeik! Ack! EK! (changes into kangaroo)

Twin 2: Ah well, that'll have to do.

Jerry Springer: (clicks tongue)

Twin 2: Okay Skippy, away we go! (climbs into pouch)

Jerry Springer: (bounds off after Twin 2)

MEANWHILE….

(backstage on the Jerry Springer show with Trinity, Morpheus, Agent Smith and Sid)

Morpheus: (raids minibar)

Trinity: (yawns)

Agent Smith: (pokes nose)

Sid: But there is no nose.

(Smith's nose bends)

Agent Smith: Erk….cannot….breath….(gasps)

Morpheus: (drinking can of iced tea) How does he smell?

Sid: (sniffs) Terrible. (dunks Smith in a bath)

Trinity: I'm going back to Chester. We have to find Neo and Agent Oz-

(the fire exit swings open and Neo and Agent Ozzy walk in, with Blanky the swear cradled in Ozzy's arms)

Trinity: NEO! (runs up to Neo and kisses him)

Neo: Whoa…get back girly! I'm taken!

Trinity: (blinks) Who by?

Neo: Trinity…

Trinity: Neo, that's me.

Neo: Oh, right. Heh. It's been so long…

Agent Smith and Agent Ozzy: Well, we have to be going now. We have a world to take over.

Neo: But you won't be attacking us, Right?

Agent Smith: Wrong. Just because you found Ozzy's swear doesn't mean I'm not going to come back and kick your ass next movie.

Neo: Grrrr….

(Agent Smith and Agent Ozzy run through door)

Agent Smith: Goodbye, Mr. Anderson!

Neo: Goodbye, Agent Elrond!

(New World Symphony plays as Agent Smith and Agent Ozzy walk off into the sunset)

Trinity: This better not be the end.

Neo: Why?

Sid: Because it's crap as far as endings go- even worse than what's down for Revolutions, and that's saying something.

Trinity: Plus the whole erm, "thing" that Neo and I have to do…

Neo: What thing?

Trinity: (nudges Neo in the ribs)

Neo: Ow! (Thinks and giggles) Oh, erm, that thing…

Trinity: (nods)

Neo: Well, okay guys. Trinity and I have a "thing" to do. We'll catch you later. (the pair run off)

Morpheus: None of this was anything like the original script.

Author: (VO) I know.

Sid: There is no script.

Morpheus: None worth reading, kid. None worth reading. (shakes head)

Sid: Well, as long as she doesn't make us do Oliver in the next fanfic, it's okay.

Author: (VO) Have you been reading my "To Do" list again?

Sid: Erm…

-----------------------------------

Yes, I am planning on writing a script for "The Matrix: Please Sir, Can we have some more?" in the near future amongst other things. This isn't where this one finishes though- I said Elrond .vs. Anderson and that's what it'll be. Please be patient for the next chapter!


	7. The Talented Mr Morpheus

Chapter 7: The Talented Mr. Morpheus

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or quotes that are used in this script. If I did, I would be rich, but as I don't, I'm not. The only thing I own here is my own words and it takes a long time to put things like this together, so please don't steal. If you do however, and I find out…(grins manically)…I have friends that have friends…

Dedicated to The Wachowski Brothers as if they hadn't made the Matrix films, I would have not made this chapter. Or any of the others. Yeah. Plus it's about time I gave them their share of the credit.

You're probably wondering why none of the main events (aside from Morpheus and Neo meeting) haven't happened so far. What do you mean no? Of course you are! Well, it's because "The Matrix" was all running smoothly until "Author" arrived and that's when the original script went AWOL and Elrond. Vs. Anderson was formed. Now we bring you a magnificent thing- Ladies, Gentlemen and figments of my imagination, I bring you, ELROND .VS. ANDERSON! And this chapter, I've tried my best to add in more recognisable characters and some of the main film events from Reloaded and The Matrix. As for Revolutions, I'm not intending to do much on that as it's my least fave film. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! MR PRETTY BROWN EYES WITH NO EYES! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Erm, anyway, I've discovered an obsession for Star Wars and you'll be surprised by appearances that those characters make. Happy reading!

P.S: For anyone who is interested in graphics and animations, and is looking for a project, I would LOVE to see this is cartoon. Contact me or review or something.

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Setting: The Power Station where Trinity dies. Sort of.

Trinity: (firing guns at on-coming agents and talking down cell phone) Yes, large deep pan, pepperoni, anchovies and go easy on the olives. Name? Trinity. Yes I am. Yes I did. Most guys do. Okay. Half an hour or it's free. Yes, deliver it to (jumps through window) I don't know, a tall apartment building? (bullet hits her) UH. (drops cell phone and falls) (cut to Michael Jackson's THRILLER video)

(cuts to Neo's cabin)

Neo: (bolt upright in bed) Man, that was a scary dream.

Author: (VO) I know, Trinity dying must be torture. How will you cope?

Neo: What? I meant Michael Jackson!

Author: (VO) You dreamt about Michael Jackson? What was he doing?

Neo: Singing Thriller.

Author: (VO) Wow, now _that_ is scary.

Neo: (nods)

Morpheus: (barges through door, not wearing any clothes) Good Morning Neo. How lovely is the real world? (sighs happily)

Neo: (shields eyes) Ignorance is bliss.

Cypher: That's my line!

Neo: Hey, where did you come from?

Cypher: (points to swirling vortex of doom) The swirling vortex of doom.

Neo: How? Who? What? Where? When? Why?

Trinity: (wakes up) Whatever it is, Morpheus did it!

Morpheus: Huh?

Trinity: (gasps and screams) HE'S NAKED!

Morpheus: Who? Neo? Cypher? (cranes neck)

Trinity: YOU! MORPHEUS! YOU!

Morpheus: (looks down at body) Oh yes, so I am! (laughs)

Neo: Morpheus, go find some clothes.

Cypher: Look! It's Luke Skywalker!

(fat man who looks like Luke Skywalker steps out of vortex)

Luke Skywalker look-a-like: No, I'm his unknown younger and less attractive brother

Luke Piewalker. (steps on pie) See?

(Luke Skywalker steps through portal)

Luke Skywalker: I'm Luke Skywalker.

Neo: Jesus, who else is in there?

Morpheus: Dunno- let's OUT FROM THE SWIRLING VORTEX OF DOOM, CREATURES OF THE….THING!

(Vortex swells to twice its size as Princess Leia, Chewbaka, Hans Solo, Obi One Knobi, Anakin Skywalker, Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, Gandalf, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin and many, many more characters from films step through the portal)

Neo: That answers my question.

Sid: But there is no question.

Neo: Okay, no need to show-off. Just because you've been voted "Most Likely To Succeed Neo in Revolutions" doesn't mean you have to go all showy on us.

Sid: Bah.

Trinity: And another thing Sid, you're not in this film.

Sid: Neither are they. (Points to film characters)

Trinity: They are now.

Sid: Well then, so am I.

Author: (VO) Not if I won't let you.

Sid: Will you?

Author: (VO) Yes.

Sid: Really?

Author: (VO) No. Or will I? (Shifty eyes)

Sid: Will you?

Author: (VO) Yes.

Sid: Really?

Author: (VO) No. Or will I? (Shifty eyes)

Sid: I have the feeling we've been here before.

Author: (VO) Or do you? (shifty eyes)

Sid: Do I?

Author: (VO) No.

Trinity: Right, this is boring. I'm finishing this for once and for all! Sid, you're in the film.

Sid: Yay.

Trinity: Or are you?

Sid: Am I?

Trinity: Yes.

Sid: Yay.

Trinity: Morpheus, FOR GOD'S SAKE PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!

Morpheus: Fine. (stomps off to his room)

Trinity: Neo, can you close that vortex and get everyone home safely?

Neo: Probably.

Sid: Use the force, Luke.

Obi One Knobi: That's my line!

Luke Skywalker: That's my name!

Luke Piewalker: That's my brother!

Neo: That's….none of your business! (closes portal and shoves everyone but Luke Skywalker and Luke Piewalker back in) What are you two doing here?

LP and LS: Unfinished business.

Neo: Who are you? Ghosts?

Luke Skywalker: Nah, we're real enough. We just have unfinished business.

Neo: I see. What unfinished business?

Luke Piewalker: I've got to break the record for most pies walked on in ten minutes.

Luke Skywalker: And I've got to defeat someone evil.

Trinity: Aren't you yourself evil?

Luke Skywalker: That's my dad you're thinking of.

Trinity: Oh. Well, Neo's got to fight Smith soon so maybe he'd appreciate your help on that.

Neo: Nah.

Trinity: What then?

Morpheus: (walks through door wearing Christina Aguliera-style chaps and bikini) See, I'm dressed now.

Trinity: (raises an eyebrow)

Morpheus: What? It was the only thing clean!

Author: (VO) FREEZE! (everybody freezes and old-style musical music begins to play)

**Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you just joining us, here's the low-down on our main characters! First, Neo, or The One as he prefers, is the main character in this film, aside from me of course, and also may I say, the prettiest. Ah. Second is his girlfriend Trinity, soon to die and a really feisty chick. Third, newly-turned transvestite and perverted chicken MORPHEUS is a danger to women and men everywhere. Ladies, lock up your daughters and erm, lock up anything else that moves. That's it for now, so stay tuned to see what else this ker-azy lot has in store for us on ELROND .VS. ANDERSON! **

(unfreezes)

Neo: What was that about?

Morpheus: What was what about? (breaks out in song) _Makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, makes me that much wiser, so thanks for making me a FIGHTER!_

Trinity: Oh NO!

Neo, LP, LS and Morpheus: What?

Trinity: Morpheus has caught (gasps) CHRISTINA-ITIS!

Everyone: (gasps)

Sound: Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuun!

Morpheus: What is the cure? _Gonna get a little bit dirty, gonna get a little bit raunchy…_

Trinity: ARGH! The only cure is to meet Kelly Osbourne and have a (gasp) _civilized _conversation with her!

Morpheus: _I am beautiful, no matter what they say!_

Trinity: That's the spirit Morpheus!

Morpheus: _Can't hold us down!_

Neo: Hold who down?

Trinity: Him and Lil Kim by the sound of it.

Neo: Hmmm…We have to go into the Matrix.

Trinity: Yep. But who'll look after the ship whilst we're away?

LP and LS: Eh hem….

Trinity: No. No. No. No. Did I mention NO!

LP and LS: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww….

(knock at door)

Neo: (answers door and Link steps through door) Ah, problem solved!

Link: Hey everybody. How come you weren't at Tank and Dozer's funeral?

Trinity: What funeral?

Neo: WHAT? THEY'RE DEAD? How come no one told me?

Morpheus: I did… _I'm a genie in a bottle!_

Trinity: Oh sure you are, Morph.

Morpheus: Not….Morph….Christina…Aguliera…

Trinity: Uh oh…stage two already- denial of true identity.

Link: Okay, I suppose we better get this started.

Neo: _Let's get it started ha! Let's get it started in here!_

Trinity:You should sing _Let's Get Retarded._

Neo:_ Let's get retarded ha! Let's get retarded in here!_

Trinity: Oh do shut up.

Neo: No. _Let's get retarded ha! Let's get retarded in here!_

Trinity: Oh change the record.

Neo: Okay…_Baby Cakes, you just don know, how I, I, I like it down low, low…_

Trinity: Change it again.

Neo: _Laura, cant you give me some time, I need to give myself one more chance, to be the man that I know am, to be the man that I know can?_

Trinity: NO!

Neo: _My shadow's only one that walks beside me, my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating, sometimes I wish someone up there will find me, until then I walk alone..._

Trinity: Neo, as much as I like Green Day, WILL YOU SHUT UP!

Neo: Bah, you're no fun.

Trinity: Grrr….

Link: Uh oh…it's crashed!

Neo: Which version were you using?

Link: Erm…ME…

Neo: Smeg.


	8. Welcome to Matrixwood

Chapter 8: Welcome to Matrixwood

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or quotes that are used in this script. If I did, I would be rich, but as I don't, I'm not. The only thing I own here is my own words and it takes a long time to put things like this together, so please don't steal. If you do however, and I find out…(grins manically)…I have friends that have friends…

Well, it's taken a while, but it's here. Don't get annoyed because I haven't done a new chapter in a while. I'm working on other projects! (Mutters sinisterly)

Dedicated To: You! The loyal readers and reviewers!

_Got a problem with my writing? Call 0500-DEAL-WITH-IT._

Setting: The Nebuchadnezzar.

_We find our heroes playing Monopoly, whilst Link attempts to fix the computer._

Morpheus: I'm buying Old Kent Road. **(_Hands Neo monopoly notes_)** _This for all my girls, all around the world!_

Trinity: Have you played Monopoly before, Morpheus?

Morpheus: No- but neither have you by the look of it. Hah! You've bought all the expensive properties! You're wasting money! _I don't understand why it's okay- the guy can get away with it!_

Trinity: Whatever. **_(Rolls dice and moves the little silver dog to Mayfair)_** Buying Mayfair. **_(Hands Neo monopoly money)_**

Morpheus: See? **_(Picks up a community chest card)_** You have won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect £10. Hmm. _I'm beautiful, no matter what they say!_

Neo: **_(laughs)_** Hah- who was the winner- a pig?

_Everyone accept Morpheus cracks up laughing_.

Morpheus: _You're just a little boy, all you do is annoy, you must talk so big to make up for smaller things!_

Sid: _Duuuude! _That was harsh!

Neo: **(_cries_)**

Trinity: Yeah, no need to diss him in song! **(_Pats Neo_)**

Link: Okay guys! I fixed it!

_The sound of Windows 98 booting up is heard._

Everyone: Yay!

Morpheus: _Carwash!_

Link: Quick- get plugged in.

_Everyone sits in their corresponding chairs, with Link rushing around plugging them in, except Luke Piewalker, Luke Skywalker and Sid, whom grab chairs next to Link_.

Link: What the –

LS: Hi!

Sid: Hi!

LP: Pie!

Link: What the hell?

Sid: The boys and I can't actually enter the Matrix, so we've got to hang with you!

Link: Shazbut.

Sid: **_(steals Neo's spare shades and a headset and puts them on) _**Ready.

LS: **_(steals Trinity's spare shades and a headset and puts them on)_** I second that.

LP: **_(steals Morpheus's spare shades and a headset and puts them on)_** I cube that!

Link: Okay. Two rules you have to abide by- 1) don't say anything unless I tell you to, and 2) Don't touch anything.

Sid: Okay!

LS: Okay!

LP: What does this big red button do?

Link: NOOOO! NOT THE BIG RED BUTTON!

LP: Why?

Link: Something bad always happens when they press the red button!

LP: Who's they?

Link: People in the movies.

LP: But it says "Please Press Red Button" in the instruction manual! **_(Holds up a ripped copy of a thick paperback, entitled "The Nebuchadnezzar For Dummies")_**

Link: Hey! No messing with my fire fuel! (_snatches book, which falls apart in his hands_)

_A phone rings. Sid answers._

Sid: Hello, City Morgue- You kill 'em, we bill 'em!

Link: SID! NO! **(_Snatches phone_)** Hello? _What?_ You're _where?_

MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN THE MATRIX… 

Neo: **(_into cell phone_)** We're in Starbucks. What do you mean which one! There are over 100 just in this city, Link! How should I know which one? But the fan girls _were_ chasing me! No, I'm sure they weren't chasing Morpheus. Do you _really_ need to ask why? The "I Love Neo" t-shirts were a bit of a give-away, Link. Right. I'll do that. Okay. Yes. Bye. **(_Shoves cell phone in pocket_)**

Trinity: **(_drinking a cappachunio_)** What did he say?

Neo: Bring him a box of doughnuts and a latte back.

Morpheus: **(_re appears from ladies toilets, where screaming and shrieking can be heard_)** Can we go now? _And I wondered, where I fit in…_

Neo: What? We're in a café! You love cafes, Morpheus!

Morpheus: I know, but….** (_Points at coca cola vending machine_)** It won't tie well with my sponsors at Pepsi if I'm caught by the paparazzi here. _Words can't bring me down!_

Neo: You don't have any sponsors at Pepsi!

Trinity: **(_whispers to Neo_)**

Neo: Oh, _those_ sponsors. Okay, let's go.

CUT TO NEW SCENE: Morpheus, Neo and Trinity walking on a road beneath the "Hollywood" sign.

Morpheus: Are we there yet? _I will be strong on my own_

Neo: No.

Morpheus: Are we there yet? _I will find my way_

Trinity: Not yet.

Morpheus: Are we there yet? _I will keep on travelling down the road_

Neo: No.

Morpheus: Are we there yet? _I will see through the rain_

Trinity: Not yet.

Morpheus: Are we there yet? _I will show the world, the things you never expected to see, from little old me…_

Neo: Yes.

Morpheus: Really? _I gotta believe, there's something out there meant for me.._

Neo: NO!

Trinity: Actually Neo, we _are_ there yet!

Neo: Wh00t.

Two giant gates, emblazoned with the title "Beverly Hills" open, whilst a heavenly choir sings. 

Neo: Oh just shut up!

Author (VO): It's only setting the scene.

Neo: Bah humbug.

_The paparazzi appear and photograph Neo saying "Bah Humbug"._

Paparazzi: This photo will get my kids through college!

Neo: Huh?

Trinity: Neo, you've got to be careful! This is Hollywood! Remain as ordinary looking and sounding as you can! Don't draw attention to yourself.

Neo: Oh, right.

Trinity: So, which one is Kelly's house?

Neo: Easy! Look for the one with vampire bats and loud rock music playing.

_A black mansion appears out of the ground, with vampire bats and loud rock music playing._

Trinity: That one.

TEN MINUTES LATER

Neo: **(_knocks on door, which is answered by…AGENT OZZY!)_**

Agent Ozzy: Neo? Trinity? Morpheus? What the ?

Neo: Ozzy!

Trinity: Ozzy!

Morpheus: _Carwash!_

Agent Ozzy: What the 's up with Morpheus?

Trinity: He's got Christina-itis.

Agent Ozzy: Sounds nasty!

Trinity: Uh huh.

Neo: Is Kelly home?

Agent Ozzy: Who wants to know?

Neo: me.

Agent Ozzy: Yes, she's home. Why?

Trinity: The only way to cure Morpheus is to get him to talk to your daughter in a civilized fashion. Can we come in?

Agent Ozzy: Yes, and mind the dogs.

Trinity, Neo and Morpheus step into the mansion. 

Agent Ozzy: I'll just shout Kelly. KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY!

Kelly: off, dad!

Agent Ozzy: yourself, our kid! YOU'VE GOT VISITORS!

Kelly: Who?

Agent Ozzy: The good guys from the Matrix!

Kelly: Is Neo there?

Neo: **_(gulp)_**

Agent Ozzy: Of course, Kelly! GET DOWN HERE!

_Thundering noises on the stairs as Kelly runs down them._

Kelly: What the do you lot want?

Neo: Morpheus has caught a disease.

Kelly: ! Is it catching? **(_steps away from Morpheus_)**

Neo: No. We need you to talk to him for five minutes without either of you swearing at each other.

Morpheus: _Dirrty!_

Trinity: Do you think you can do that?

Kelly: Sure. Hello Mr. Morpheus!

Morpheus: Where? _Where? _**(_spins around frantically trying to see who Kelly is talking to_)** _Fighter!_

Trinity: Erm, you'll have to address him as Christina. He thinks he's Christina Aguleira.

Kelly: What the !

Neo: He caught it by wearing some chaps and a bikini.

Kelly: Like….ew?

Neo: Yeah.

Kelly: Okay…here goes nothing. Hello…_Christina._

Morpheus: Hello Kelly.

_Silence whilst tumbleweeds bounces by and the wind howls._

Kelly: So…

Morpheus: Yeah…

Kelly: Have you heard….

Morpheus: Um…

Kelly: Yeah?

Morpheus: Nah.

Kelly: Oh.

Morpheus: Right.

_Suddenly, Morpheus falls to the floor and everyone (_except him_) gasps_.

Kelly: Christina?

Morpheus: Name…not…Christina….name….Morpheus!

Trinity: We cured him!

Neo: Bah. That wasn't even a proper conversation.

Trinity: Neo?

Neo: What?

Trinity: Shut up.

Neo: Oh.

_Morpheus stands up and brushes himself off, suddenly realizing what he's wearing_.

Morpheus: EIIIII! What in the name of Sentinels am I wearing?

Agent Ozzy: Here, put this on. **_(Hands Morpheus a suit)_**

Trinity: Hey- that sentence didn't have a swear in it!

Agent Ozzy: Blanky's on vacation.

Neo: Really?

Trinity: Where?

Agent Ozzy: Umm…some place in England…a restaurant with some pompous chef called Gordon.

Trinity: Oh.

Agent Ozzy: So he sent his French cousin Beepy to stay.

Beepy: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Morpheus: Okay. What should I do with these? **(_holds up chaps and bikini)_**

Neo: (**_shrugs_**) Sell them on E-Bay?

Morpheus: Good idea! To the internet café! **(_drags Trinity and Morpheus out of the house_)**

Neo: Thanks for everything!

Agent Ozzy: No problemo, Neo. See you at the end of the film!

Neo: Why?

Agent Ozzy: Duuh! Agent Elrond and I are going to take you on. And win!

Neo: Will not!

Agent Ozzy: Will too!

Neo: Will not!

Agent Ozzy: Will too!

_The argument continues, fading into silence as Morpheus. Trinity and Neo get further away from the Osborne's house_.

Neo: I wonder what they're doing back home…

ON THE NEBUCHANEZZAR:

Sid: Anyone for Piñata?

LS: Me!

Link: Me too!

LP: Me three!

Sid: Well tough luck, because we haven't got one.

Link, LS and LP: Awwwwwwww…

LS: I bet they're having more fun in the Matrix.

**IN THE MATRIX:**

Morpheus: **(_reading star spotting map_)** Hey- did you know loads of famous people live here?

Trinity: They don't call it Hollywood for nothing, Morph.

Morph: For the love of cheeseburgers- STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Neo: Look- it's a Neo impersonator! **(_points to Keanu Reeves walking down the street_)**

Trinity: Neo, there's two faults with your comment there- 1) He isn't a Neo impersonator, and 2) no one would want to impersonate you.

Author: (VO) Plus that's Keanu Reeves.

Neo: But he looks like me!

Author: (VO) Uh oh. I can see the way this is going.

Morpheus: Quick! To the E-Café! **(_runs into the nearest internet café_)**

Trinity: We'll finish this conversation when we are back on the ship. **(_follows Morpheus_)**

Neo: **(_mutters and follows Trinity)_**

Morpheus: Okay…lets get these sold. **(_types in information_)**

Neo: Hang on…Christina Aguleira never wore those!

Morpheus: Shh! The gullible public on the net don't know that!

Computer: Your auction has been confirmed. Auction will terminate at 03.00 hours tomorrow morning.

Neo: Okay- now's that done, let's go home!

Trinity: Fine by me.

Morpheus: Oh, all right then.

Neo: **(_dials Link's number into his cell phone_) **Link? Get me an exit! What? Where the Matrix is that? _What? _SID! GET OFF THE PHONE! Link? Get me an exit! Right. Bye.

Trinity: Where is it?

Neo: Public phone box, outside this café.

Morpheus: What?

Neo: We are leaving. Now. Go.

_Morpheus, Neo and Trinity leave the café_.

Phone: Ring. Ring. Ring.

Trinity: Not very enthusiastic, is it?

Neo: They don't make 'em like they used to. Ladies first!

Morpheus: Don't mind if I do! **(_picks up phone_)** Oh, it's for you, Neo.

Neo: Hello? **(_disappears_)**

Morpheus: D'oh! **(_hangs phone up_)**

Phone: Ring. Ring. Ring.

Morpheus: **(_picks the phone up_)** It's for you, Trinity.

Trinity: Hello? **(_disappears_)**

Morpheus: D'oh! **(_hangs phone up_)** Well, they'll ring back to get me any minute now.

_Half an hour later…_

Phone: ring. Ring. Ring.

Morpheus: **(_picks up phone and disappears_)**

BACK ON THE NEBUCHANEZZAR 

Sid: How did it go?

LS: What did you do?

LP: Who did you meet?

Link: And WHERE ARE MY LATTE AND DOUGHNUTS?


	9. Latte and Doughnuts, or Smith’s Birthday

Chapter 9: Latte and Doughnuts/Smith's Birthday

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or quotes that are used in this script. If I did, I would be rich, but as I don't, I'm not. The only thing I own here is my own words and it takes a long time to put things like this together, so please don't steal. If you do however, and I find out…(grins manically)…I have friends that have friends…

I really am sorry 'bout this story not been added to for so long. -- I'm working hard to finish it…

Dedicated To: John Constantine (Constantine) and Vince Noir (The Mighty Boosh)

Constantine: No.

---------------------------------------

Author: (VO) And now, you join us aboard the Nebuchadnezzar, as we divulge into another episode of: MATRIX-ENDERS!

Theme Tune: Dun dun dun dun dun!

Trinity: Shut up.

Author: (VO) Sorry.

Link: Latte and doughnuts.

Neo: (to Sid) Well, we cured Morpheus and made a tidy profit from E-Bay.

Link: Latte and doughnuts.

Trinity: (to LS) And we stopped off in a Starbucks.

Link: Latte and doughnuts.

Morpheus: (to LP) AND WE MET A NEO IMPERSONATOR!

Link: Latte and doughnuts.

Neo: …What now?

(Everyone stares up at the ceiling, in some vain attempt to contact the Author, which actually works.)

Author: (VO) Don't look at me. I only write this thing.

Link: Latte and doughnuts.

Author: (VO) The first toothbrush was invented in 1498 for an Emperor in China.

Neo: You're a mine of useless information, aren't you?

Author: (VO) Yup.

Link: Latte and doughnuts.

Morpheus: I've had a thought.

Author: (VO) MORPHEUS! WHAT HAVE WE TOLD YOU ABOUT THINKING?

Morpheus: I think it's Agent Smith's birthday today.

Author: (VO) Who's a mine of useless information _now _Mister One? Huh? Huh?

Link: Latte and doughnuts.

Trinity: Morpheus, how do you know that?

Morpheus: I went to college with Agent Smith.

Everyone: (GASP!) You never told us!

Morpheus: I tell you on a regular basis.

Everyone: Oh, right, yeah..

Link: Latte and doughnuts.

Morpheus: I feel a flashback coming on…

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Screen ripples and a 70's style college hallway appears. Two students are in the centre of this screen- one wearing dark sunglasses with shaggy brown hair and the other with no glasses and a large black afro)

Young Morpheus: So, I said to him 'How about I give you the finger and you give me my phone call?'

Young Smith: Heh, good one Morph. Speaking of dodgy suits in suits, the principle says I've got a bright future in IT, but he thinks I should learn to control my anger and stop being so power-hungry.

Young Morpheus: Man, just ignore him dude. He doesn't know anything- look how he turned out!

Both: Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.

Neo: (VO) Morpheus, what happened to your afro?

Morpheus: (VO) I lost it down the back of the sofa when I was twenty.

Neo: (VO) Oh.

YS: So, it's my birthday today.

YM: Dude!

YS: Yeah, you wanna come round to my place and get drunk on coca cola like last year?

YM: Well, I'm meant to drive my mom to the hospital 'cos she's expecting the baby today, but what the heck. I'll come.

Neo: (VO) So that's why your sister was born on the freeway!

Morpheus: (VO) I said don't take the freeway for a reason.

Trinity: (VO) Oh, I get it now.

Link: (VO) Latte and doughnuts.

(The flash back ends, and fades into the Nebuchadnezzar)

Morpheus: We should bake him a cake.

Neo: And buy him a present!

Sid: And make him a card!

LP: And make paper chains!

LS: And paper plates!

Trinity: And hold him a party!

Link: Latte and doughnuts!

--------------------

I know it's not very long. Please review. Flames will be extinguished. And this is the second to last chapter! Sorry...hope you've enjoyed it. The last will be out before September.


	10. And So, We Face The Final Curtain

Chapter 10: And So, We Face The Final Curtain.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or quotes that are used in this script. If I did, I would be rich, but as I don't, I'm not. The only thing I own here is my own words and it takes a long time to put things like this together, so please don't steal. If you do however, and I find out…(grins manically)…I have friends that have friends…

IT'S THE END! FIN! LAST CHAPTER! OMGZ:D Hope you've enjoyed reading this as much I've enjoyed writing it and I'm truly sorry about the massive wait that you've had for this.

Dedicated To: Everyone that's been waiting for this.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Setting: The Nebuchadnezzar, where we join our heroes and villains as they celebrate Agent Smith's birthday.

Agent Smith: You know, to say I've wanted to kill each and everyone of you for some time now, I'm having a pretty good time tonight. Except for that nasal hair trimmer. (everyone glowers at Morpheus)

Morpheus: What! Every home should have one!

Others: (boggle)

Morpheus: WHAT! WHAT!

Agent Smith: …So, anyway, I'd like to propose a toast. (holds up a slice of toast)

Trinity: Um, Smith, that's not how you propose a toast. (whispers)

Agent Smith: What! That's stupid. (puts down toast and picks up champagne glass) To world domination.

Neo: Ah hem.

Agent Smith: Alright then. To Neo and world domination.

Neo: Better.

Everyone: To Neo and world domination!

(the table, consisting of Morpheus, Trinity, Luke Piewalker, Luke Skywalker, Agent Ozzy, Sid, Agent Smith and Link (whom is toasting with his latte and doughnuts) raise their beverages and drink to, um…Neo and world domination.)

Agent Ozzy: To Neo and world domination!

Trinity: In reference to the first part of your statement, Ozzy, only I may toast to that.

Sid and Morpheus: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Author (VO): That was a very rude joke, Trinity. I expect more from you.

Trinity: Why me?

Author (VO): You're the only one here with a mental age over thirteen.

Trinity: Charming.

Author (VO): I like to think so.

Neo: Is this really the end?

Morpheus: It is.

Neo: But is it really the end?

Morpheus: It is.

Neo: But is it really the end?

Morpheus: It is.

Neo: But is it really the end?

Morpheus: It is.

Neo: But is it really the end?

Morpheus: It is.

Neo: But is it really the end?

Author (VO): YES IT BLOODY WELL IS NEO!

Neo: …Okay.

Agent Smith: What are we all going to do after this is over?

Morpheus: I'm going to go assault precinct thirteen.

Author (VO): Why? What has precinct thirteen ever done to you?

Morpheus: Nothing. He just makes me so mad! (bashes fist on table) Ouchies!

Sid: I'll disappear without a trace. Probably to marry that weird rainbow girl from Revolutions.

Luke Piewalker: Well, seen as I've beaten the record for stepping on pies—

Neo: Hold the phone! (throws cell phone at Link)

Link: Oof!

Neo: When did that happen?

Author (VO): Deleted scenes. Cut it for time.

Neo: Time! You've got all the time in the world!

Author (VO): Well, it wasn't exactly a tour de force anyway. It was just a stick figure cartoon stepping on some cartoon pies.

Neo: How come?

Author (VO): Well, we had some real pies, but _somebody _ate them.

Morpheus: _(burrrrrrp) _How unfortunate.

Author (VO): And what with the money we had to spend on your hair, Neo, we couldn't afford any more pies. So we got Sid to draw us a picture and just explained it. It's all in the deleted scenes on the special addition Revolutions.

Neo: No, it's not.

Author (VO): Yeah, you're right. I gave a copy to the Wachowski brothers PA but she threw it at me through the window when I was leaving.

Neo: Too bad.

Author (VO): Not really. I poisoned their water.

Trinity: With what?

Author (VO): Mountain Dew.

Everyone: (shudder)

Agent Smith: (eating birthday cake) I can't believe we've suffered-um, I mean, got through nine chapters already.

Trinity: I know.

Neo: It's amazing what happens when a bored thirteen year old watches a film and decides that she loves it so much she's going to totally rip it off for her own amusement.

Author (VO): Not really.

Sid: You know, as far as endings for films go, this is a pretty lame one.

Link: Tell me about it. We're meant to go out kicking ass and here we are sitting round the table singing Happy Birthday to our sworn enemy. It makes no sense.

Author (VO): It doesn't have to.

Neo: Yes it does.

Author (VO): For God's sake Neo, stop contradicting me.

Neo: Sorry. I'm used to proving people wrong.

Trinity: In case you've forgotten, Link, tons of things don't make sense.

Morpheus: Like, why do men have nipples?

Sid: Oh- I know why, that's because when we're in the womb—

Trinity: (clamps hand over Sid's mouth) No more discovery channel for you, Mister.

Sid: (muffled) Awwwwww!

Luke Skywalker: This film is full of plot holes, you know.

Author (VO): Well Star Wars wasn't perfect!

Luke Skywalker: (Jedi Mind Trick Time!) Yes it was.

Author (VO): Yes it was.

Luke Piewalker: You writer types are pretty easily swayed, aren't you?

Author (VO): We are not!

Trinity: Yes you are!

Author (VO): Yeah, we are actually.

Link: When does this thing end anyway?

Author (VO): Why do you care?

Link: I need the toilet.

Author (VO): The ending always comes when you least expect it.

Neo: No, it comes when the two and a half hours are up that you've had run the film.

Author (VO): Neo, what did we say about you contradicting me?

Neo: Sorry.

Author (VO): Well, you're right anyway. How long have we had?

Trinity: (checks watch) two hours and fifteen minutes.

Author (VO): Crikey O'Riley!

Everyone Else: (boggle)

Author (VO): No, you wouldn't get that. You're all American.

Every Else: Oh!

Author (VO): I guess we better tie up any loose ends then.

Morpheus: Like what happened to the twins?

Sid: And Jerry Springer?

Author (VO): The twins and Jerry Springer are now living in a little town just outside of Memphis. They keep cattle and have a dog called Bingo.

Agent Ozzy: And what about my swear?

Author (VO): Blanky is currently backpacking across Illinois. He has a wife and kids now and he should be coming home very soon.

Agent Elrond: Whatever did happen to Kat and Kim?

Author (VO): They're still alive, residing on the nBn forum. And wherever they live in the matrix too I guess.

Neo: What about that freaky weirdo from the first chapter?

Author (VO): Poor Freaky Weirdo suffered a court trial, a bankruptcy and his monkey left him for the circus.

Neo: Tough break.

Author (VO): Is that everything?

Trinity: What about us?

Neo: Yeah, what happens to us?

Author (VO): Well, you all disappear into the void until I oh so originally write a sequel.

Neo: Are you going to write a sequel?

Author (VO): (snort giggle) _No._

Neo: So we'll be floating around the void forever?

Author (VO): Pretty much.

Neo: Right, Morpheus, get packing!

Morpheus: Why?

Neo: We're going to the void!

Morpheus: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Author (VO): Is that everything?

Link: What about my latte and doughnuts?

Author (VO): You ate them!

Link: Oh yeah!

Author (VO): Well, with all the loose ends tied up, I think it's the end.

Trinity: But you said it'd come when we least expect it.

Author (VO): LOOK OVER THERE!

(everyone looks)

**THE END**

Neo: Woah, I wasn't expecting that!

Author (VO): Shut up! It's the end! Back to the void with you!

Neo: Never!

(suddenly, a hand reaches down from the sky and picks up Neo, throwing him into a hole marked "VOID")

Neo: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (thud)

Author (VO): And that's the end of that chapter! And every other chapter in this story! Hoorah! We're at the end! Until the unnecessary sequel comes along. Which I probably won't ever get round to writing. I hope you've enjoyed reading Elrond vs Anderson as much as I've enjoyed writing it. But that's it. Toodle bye!

**REALLY THE END**


End file.
